Carolina Zuluaga, holistic therapist and author of the book "Returning to Inhabit My Body", has joined Merak as a collaborator to share her wisdom with you. Experiential living is what nourishes her and helps her grow. Through mindful observation, she reflects and matures. Today she brings us this beautiful reflection on emptiness. Who hasn't been afraid of feeling such emptiness in their life? That empty space can be a journey towards self-acceptance and love, which, in contrast, can lead us to create a persona and an entire life in an attempt to feel it.
-Prefacio by Mer González-

Since I began my spiritual journey, I have repeatedly come across the concept of emptiness, void, or emptiness. It's that space where, when entering a meditative state, you encounter your own essence, beyond all the forms we take in this material world.
My meditative experience has led me to reach indescribable states of presence, arriving at a space where I only connect with the Self, with the Essence; a space where all preconceived forms dissipate.
The thing is, upon exiting such a state, I quickly revert to adopting that form again, "the character" of a human with which I usually identify (composed of a physical body, wounds, personality, emotions...). Perhaps, at best, being more aware than before meditating.

And recently, that mentioned void has manifested in my everyday life. This time, it caught me by surprise, shaking any idea I had about it. After an intense period of introspection and healing, I've started to "clean up" many things in my material world. I can speak of tangible things, however, this has extended to something larger like beliefs, thoughts, patterns that no longer serve me.
After this readjustment of my earthly being, I've been invaded by a vast space. A great void.
At first, I found it horrifying, a sensation very difficult for me to sustain. And it was strange because I had felt that void in those meditative states, and back then, I perceived it as something pleasant, a profound peace. So, what's happening now? Why do I feel so much fear, pain, even panic? And then I realize.
Since I can remember, my life has been full - of people, noise, situations, thoughts - like a wheel spinning at full speed. And at that pace, it's very difficult to feel what's inside me.
Right now, I'm in a moment where calmness and stillness have more presence in my life. Thanks to this new space, I've allowed myself to feel emptiness more strongly and intensely than ever before. And I can assure you it's not pleasant at all. The feeling of not understanding anything, of being out of control, of not knowing what's happening. In this whirlwind of emotions and sensations, suddenly I feel naked, helpless, and exposed. My first instinct, quite natural with my character, is to try to fill it with new things. I eagerly search for where to direct my attention and keep busy, or in other words, to cover up this emptiness that I don't want to hold, I don't even want to face it head-on. But the more I try to cover it up, the more life returns the message, "Sit down and stop, observe this emptiness within you." Observing emptiness is not a new concept for me. In meditations, I've observed, felt. So why so much resistance now? My resistance becomes overwhelming.

Finally, one day I surrender and manage to stop and observe the emptiness. On the surface layers, I feel pain, literal pain, my chest tightens. Knowing that I don't have to do anything to "Be" is overwhelming. For most of us, it's not something we were taught in basic education. In my case, it's compounded by years of receiving the message "I am what I do". And in this stream of thoughts and internal reflections, I realize all the efforts I've made to "Be." This is something that has led me to constantly seek outside validation. That's where the pain takes hold of me. Since then, I decide to sit with myself and validate myself. Something that I find tremendously difficult, I won't lie to you.
I've been learning about my emptiness for several months now, and today I feel like I can look at it with a bit of perspective. I'm experiencing this feeling in a different way. While it's one of the toughest phases for me, it's also turning out to be one of the greatest realizations of my life.
Now I can feel that "the emptiness" is an organic part integrated within me; it's what I am, that formless essence. When I managed to let go of the resistance to feeling it, I realized that "Being" doesn't require effort. A premise that my ego still struggles to accept at times.
As soon as I realized that no matter the form I take, my essence won't change, what I am won't be altered or cease to exist, I felt light. And I feel a self-love growing within me, like never before in my life.
Currently, it remains my practice, and I strive to keep this lesson alive in my heart so that I don't forget that I already Am; that within me dwells the whole. A lesson that aids me in moments when my spirits waver.

I invite you to connect with "Being". Discover it, feel it, observe it, and you will see how gradually everything you thought you were fades away until there remains that full Void where you will finally feel your Being, your everything, the everything. And please, I don't want to sell you the idea that this will be pleasant or quick, especially in the early stages of the journey.
What I can assure you is that it will be worth the "bliss".
Carolina Zuluaga: @carolina.holistic.alchemy
If, like Carolina, you find yourself in a moment of your life where the feeling of emptiness overwhelms you, remember that you don't have to deal with it on your own. You don't have to be that superhero who can do it all, come what may. At Merak, I work with different tools where you can explore, understand, and heal yourself from the present moment. Manage and heal from a holistic perspective, encompassing all parts of your being.
Online Therapy or In-Person (Amsterdam)
Comments